Feeling a bit down today...

I have a lot on my mind today, so much going on that my head is spinning.

I guess what's bothering me most is the fact that my mom doesn't really seem to be able to be here for me. Of course she can't physically be here for me, as she lives in Birmingham, AL, but I feel like she could be here for me in other ways, and she's not.

For instance, if I call her during the week and it's not after 9PM, she typically cuts the conversation short out of fear of going over her minuets. I understand that completely, but we rarely talk on the phone as it is, you'd think there would be some minuets left over for her only child! So I typically get a phone call from her on Saturday or Sunday, at some odd time, where she still doesn't have much time to talk.

She's always cutting our conversations short, as if I have too much to say. Well, I'm your daughter...your PREGNANT daughter! Give me a break! Maybe I do have a lot to talk about, maybe I have a lot that I'd like to share with my mother as I travel down this road. Is that really so much to ask of you, mom? All you really have to do is listen, like I do for you when you have so much going on in your life that your head is spinning.

She's also very bad about changing the subject. I'll bring something up about the pregnancy and start chatting about that, then all of a sudden the subject has been switched back onto her. Or she will call with some news about her life and when she's done explaining, I'll start to talk about something I'd like her to know about, then she all of a sudden has to go. The other night after hanging up with her I made a comment about her never having time to hear what I had to say, and my husband agreed. So I'm not the only one that sees this. I'm not being some selfish only child, with "only child syndrome". I believe I have a valid point, and have had one for many years.

She wants to be here when the baby is born, so much so she wants to come and stay in our home after the baby is born, but she can't be here for me mentally? What makes her think I actually want her here when she can't be so much as a good listener on the phone? She wants to be in L&D when the baby makes his/her entry into the world, even after I've stressed several times that I want it to be my husband and I only. (the staff, of course, but you get the idea.) I want everyone to leave the room when I start pushing because I want that special moment, even if it's only 5 mins, to be ours. This is our first, and possibly only child, I want to soak up every second of special time that I can get. What makes her think she's welcomed into the room (especially after I've stressed that no one is), if she can't be here for me emotionally?

I just want my mother. I want someone that knows what being a mother is about. It's not about YOU YOU YOU. YOU went out the window when you had me. You share your life now, and you have for 28 years. I wish you'd wake up and see that! UGH! I'm just so frustrated by this. I need a mother figure.

OK, enough about that. I don't want to get all wrapped up in those feelings and start having issues with her again. It's been a long road to finding peace between the 2 of us, and to keep it I must keep these feelings to myself. I just have to learn that no matter how badly I want it, she doesn't know how to not be selfish. The sooner I come to realize this, the easier it'll be for everyone involved.